我以为我可以潇潇洒洒的把你忘了。不过，我的脑子都充满着你。我真的舍不得，没有办法把你忘了。身边就算有再好的人，都没办法让我忘记你。其实，只要你说要我等你，等到你玩够了要定下来为止,我会乖乖的等。我知道这是个很笨的想法，可是我就是爱你。

Had a great chat with all my loved ones.

thanks people!
all the while i have been blinded. yes. love is blind.
i blinded myself, seeing the good sides and ignore the bad sides. I am just like that. setting traps, putting in 75% of real feelings..etc. i know all of these. but for fuck i do all these?
Tiring, physically and mentally. Most importantly, i am really looking for TRUE love. someone who always be in his 100%, be it effort or care and concern.

I certainly understand Martin doesn't. He is just too careful about every moves. but the carefulness leads to something negative. He is yet to release himself fully to someone, hence he is not the one. He is not ready for all these.

Seeing him going clubs with jansen or rather karmen blah blah blah surely make me feel he is not the one for me. Thanks for expediting my move-on process. I instantly laughed when I saw the pictures seriously. Why? Because I know she cannot be compared with me. Or rather, its difficult to find someone like me eh? Find a GOOD girl who treats you right and willing to suffer with you. This will then make me heartache. Flirting with other girls with lower standard just make me laugh.

Try getting a girl better than me. (:

P.S. It is fucking difficult because nobody can win ms. sibeiawesomezmmxyz (:

Have been hanging out chilling with eugene, oppa and shah recently..talking to them, chatting with them especially eugene because he just broke off with jen.

He was telling me that I did mention about giving up on martin before but why am i not giving up and still so depress about it. Yes I did mention I wanted to give up on martin, but that is just talk, my heart tells me that I just cant leave him. CANT,UNABLE,NOT CAPABLE. He is not handsome, not rich, not sensitive, no high education but i just love him. I cannot explain why but just love him.
i have been repeatedly reading this :

5:53 AM - WELOVEPACHIUCHENG- HHTYPER.: i got plan to settle down with this gf of mine 1
5:53 AM - WELOVETROLLS - HITER?: i must secure it
5:53 AM - WELOVEPACHIUCHENG- HHTYPER.: but hard to do so
5:53 AM - WELOVETROLLS - HITER?: lol
5:53 AM - WELOVETROLLS - HITER?: so fast
5:53 AM - WELOVEPACHIUCHENG- HHTYPER.: if cannot afford the basic needs in life
5:53 AM - WELOVETROLLS - HITER?: wan to settle down laio
5:53 AM - WELOVEPACHIUCHENG- HHTYPER.: i mean
5:53 AM - WELOVEPACHIUCHENG- HHTYPER.: she's worth it la
5:53 AM - WELOVEPACHIUCHENG- HHTYPER.: but on current terms
5:53 AM - WELOVETROLLS - HITER?: already reach the maturity age liao
5:53 AM - WELOVEPACHIUCHENG- HHTYPER.: i look at myself
5:53 AM - WELOVEPACHIUCHENG- HHTYPER.: struggle sia
5:53 AM - WELOVETROLLS - HITER?: of mai hiam
5:53 AM - WELOVEPACHIUCHENG- HHTYPER.: siao
5:53 AM - WELOVEPACHIUCHENG- HHTYPER.: u think i simon meh
5:53 AM - WELOVETROLLS - HITER?: lol
5:53 AM - WELOVEPACHIUCHENG- HHTYPER.: must haf supermodel gf
5:53 AM - WELOVETROLLS - HITER?: i also mai hiam
5:53 AM - WELOVEPACHIUCHENG- HHTYPER.: wife material more important than others sia
5:54 AM - WELOVEPACHIUCHENG- HHTYPER.: its somebody u wanna grow old with leh
5:54 AM - WELOVEPACHIUCHENG- HHTYPER.: not to fuck and enjoy.
5:54 AM - WELOVETROLLS - HITER?: no moeny buy flat
5:54 AM - WELOVETROLLS - HITER?: cry man
5:54 AM - WELOVEPACHIUCHENG- HHTYPER.: marriage is a lifetiem commitment

This never leave my mind before.
I so much wanted to be his wife, to take care of his everything, to work hard tgt with him. Everyday sell bcm, lead a simple life. I dont need big houses, big cars. I just need someone who i can spend my whole life with. Struggle? I wont allow him to struggle, even if struggle, i will struggle with him. He just started his career and i really hope i can be the one who went through all the shit with him, but perhaps im not the one he looking for. idk. im confused.

i really miss the "us" 3 weeks ago when we just patched. we were fucking sweet.

Was talking to taitai, finally able to talk about it. I was avoiding telling them about what happen because it just hurts.

Perhaps she is right. There is nth I can do. Because he don't know what he want. A stage where they think about future and they are lost. Perhaps like the book had mentioned, they just need to go to a cave and be alone. Perhaps. Perhaps I'm really waiting for miracle to happen. Perhaps..

Actually think back, it was quite sad. Probably trust issue. Many times I do stuff without thinking but he always thought I have other motive. Seriously, it is depressing. I just don't like being accused and he always create an imaginary character out of my actions.

No matter how I explain, he will not believe. That is damn shag because he already have that thinking, how am I gonna change it? Impossible.

Waiting for miracle? Yes, I am.

Well, talked to many people and I realized alot of things.

I cheated. I cheated myself. I appear to be strong but im not. Yes I do love Martin. Why? Idk. Ask me 1 million times I also don't know why the hell I love him. Out there are people with good standards but I didn't accept them. Perhaps I'm just too fast adapting to his life,his environment.

Yes, definitely he is not going to find someone better than me. Just like I cannot find someone like Ben,affan,Zhiyuan who really make me feel loved deeply by them. But idk how to appreciate them just like Martin don't know how to appreciate me..

Refused to face the fact, but I have to. I know. His poker face. What is the real
him I will never know. This is tiring because he don't wanna open his heart to me. No point forcing people. Totally no point.

But I'm glad. Glad that there are people out there appreciated what I have done before. Super touching. Thanks guys. Really. It meant alot when someone tell you that you are great. Hehe.

Perhaps one day he will realize my good. Yup. Good luck. Move on edyna!

Seriously I don't understand. Many say girls don't like good guy. How about guys? They like bitches, sluts and ignore good girls.

Well, I can't say im an angel or holy fuck. I like to have fun, party like any one else. But I control myself when I find the love of my life. Yes I'm not perfect, but near. Find someone who is as perfect as me, I will bliss you seriously.

Perhaps it's really karma. I'm used to it. Really. Treating someone too good really do me no good. Well..I have said, I'm not an angel, I do sin too. Guess that is my karma. No one to blame but myself.

should i be frustrated?

hello? you are the one who got away. then post such emo song like as if im the one who got away.
TAK TALLY!

*&^%$%^&*

why wanna act one emo whereby u ownself hate emotional roller coaster. wtf?

Tbh, I guess I already started to give up and let go.

I said before..I angry I mind is because I care. If I stop caring, something is very wrong. If you are sensitive enough, do something about it. If not, I'm sorry. I will leave.

Loving someone is torturous but it happened for a few times in everyone's life. But finding someone who loved you alot, is once in a blue moon. You missed it, you will have hard time finding it again. (:

I can sense myself starting to let go. Let it run wild. If it meant to be gone, so be it cuz it is never yours. Force? No fishes don't use force. Totally meaningless. What I want is someone who truly love me, not just appear to be good. Yes, I'm still finding the mr right.

perhaps im really not that important or capable to grab much of his attention.
perhaps..

and i really can conclude.
fair-weather friend.
pathetic. yes.

but what to do. well. i still have my pen and diary (:

Sometimes I feel that he is like fair weather friend. When im good, he is really good to me. Super good.
But when I emotionally break down..he just can't seem to understand tt I just need a hug and a kiss. He will get pissed off. Perhaps he feel I'm too drama. But girls. We are all like that. ESP near time of the month. Emotions just fly all over and struck me anytime without me knowing. But all I need is him giving me a hug and tell me everything is alright.

I guess I really really should stop telling him about my emotional side. It doesn't do me good. He will practically flare at me coz I guess he cannot handle the emotional side of me.

(:

Yesterday was the opening of tintin bcm! (: and of cuz I went to "support" hehehe..

Well..can see that he gonna be super busy from yesterday onwards..and I started to fear tbh..

I fear that he wouldnt have time for me..I fear he can't commit to me..I know that he has other things to commit or rather at times he needs his own time. But I'm really scared that I might not be able to think logically and might feel neglected as I need his attention. Hmmm..

If I were to put myself in his shoes, I should be understanding. But it's hard. Because from my point of view, I feel that I'm good enough to accept his busy life and hence deserved to get his full attention when he is outside work. Hmm..............

How?! I predict we will quarrel about this issue ):